Last night was a very rough night of sleep for me, as we're in the process of sleep training Lily. As I work during the day and since Sidney is the CEO of the house, Sidney normally takes the night shift if the girls wake up during the week. But last night was a bit different as Sidney can't sleep train Lily because Lily smells her milk. So last night was my watch, and I stepped up for what was sure to be a rough night of sleep.
Lily woke up right as I was dozing off the sleep, around 10:00 pm, after a long day at work and a late night jiu jitsu session. After hours of soothing her, singing to her and rubbing her back, she finally stopped crying, and put her self to sleep around 1:00 in the morning. She woke up again at 4 am, and wanted to be fed. I felt like a zombie. I don't know what time I fell back asleep, but when I woke up again at 6 am, I felt the frustration, the negative emotions and thoughts coming up as I anticipated struggling to get through the day. As I drank my morning coffee, trying to get organized and prepped for early morning meetings, something seemed different about how I was experiencing and interacting with my reality.
In the past, had I been in this situation of not sleeping well, I would have very easily felt justified in being moody, irritated and short with sidney and the girls. I would have seen all the bad and negative parts of the day that I wasn't looking forward to. I would have chosen to feel small and distanced from people. But today was different. I wasn't exactly conscious of each decision in the moment, but throughout the day I chose to love in all my interactions, rather than choosing my old habits of grumpiness, bitterness, separation and anger. I chose to find closeness in all my interactions with people. I chose to see the opportunity in the challenges of the day. I chose gratitude and abundance. I chose to be patient, and kind with those around me, even though my body was not primed for the day.
It wasn't until I got home from work that I consciously became aware of just how smooth the day had gone. Not only that, but at the end of the day, I felt like my cup was more full than when it started that day, and I had a surprising amount of energy left in the tank to connect with my friends, play with the girls and find deep love and presence with my beloved Sidney. I was able to feel profound gratitude and connection with spirit. Although I feel like I didn't really make all these choices consciously, it appears that in retrospect, I chose love in every decision, over separateness. And for the first time, as I write these worlds, I can say that I have viscerally felt how choosing to act from a place of love ADDS energy to my system.
In the past when I would choose to act out of anger, fear or separateness, I would come home completely drained. But today was different. What I've discovered is that choosing love over separateness doesn't really take any energy from the system, as it's a net positive gain. It's the small-self and old conditioning within me that believes choosing to act out of love weakens me or takes too much effort to be worthwhile. And this is the big illusion. Love doesn't cost a thing, and the more you give, the more you get back in return.