Sidney and I had a long talk about the inner judge this afternoon. For me, the inner judge has been one of the most reliable and resilient shadows of self to work with. Before my “awakening”, the inner judge had a prominent and purposeful role in my life. When I wasn’t making enough money to help fill the void of happiness within, the judge was happily there to point out how I could do better. When I was failing to get pats on the back or commendations for my hard work at the office, the judge reliably there to get me to work harder. It was there for me when I wasn’t acting up to my parents’ expectations and was always a strong motivator in getting straight A’s, becoming an engineer, and landing a stable job in corporate America. I can see that the inner judge’s actions were not insidious. I recognize that it was a part of me that fractured off the whole, and was programmed with the positive intent of helping me feel loved, safe and cared for. The inner judge served a grand purpose in my youth, and helped me become the man I am today. Yet, after having experienced the depth of self love and self exploration this past year, along with intense deconditioning, its surprising to me how much the inner judge still impacts my day to day life via reminders of all my imperfections and errors.
Over the past year, I’ve worked very hard at breaking down the conditioning of needing happiness and validation from the external world, and have had significant growth areas of self-love, acceptance and self-sourcing my happiness. I've also had discussions with the inner judge in the past, and given it full reign to tell me when my actions 1) Hurt my family 2) Hurt Others and 3) are not time or cost efficient. Yet the judge still appears to be as strong as ever. Instead of showing me all the areas I’m not meeting the expectations of others, the judge has now raised the bar set by “what a conscious person” would do. How Silly is that? In becoming more “aware” of my human conditioning, its also a natural result that I will spot more thoughts, negative beliefs, emotions and unconscious behavior that was a result of prior programming. As we become more aware, we see more. Maybe that’s why the voice of the inner judge is getting louder…I’m seeing more of the conditioned behavior that no longer resonates or serves me in my highest purpose and pursuit of a life of excellence.
I have to be honest. Living with an inner judge who’s getting louder and louder has been very difficult for me, and has been a consistent force that pulls me out of awareness, and out of the present. Its clouded my ability to be objective and witness my day to day, and experience the moments of awe and abundance I want to feel. Its honestly like living with a roommate that won’t stop talking, and only gets louder the more you ask to stop.
My natural inclination is to put a considerable amount of effort to eradicate this judge once and for all, with the tools I've learned over the last year, including Transcendental Meditation, Conscious Witnessing, Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Psycho-hacking. But I realize, that my desire to eradicate the judge fully is just another form of self judgement. What a paradox. Sidney had a good suggestion…just ignore the judge. Be present with the sensations of judgement that come up, but don’t indulge the judge. I have to admit, the mind wants to fight this strategy, as it seems devoid of action and focused effort, but I will give it a shot. Seems like accepting what is, and surrendering the need to “know why” and “get to the root” is a strategy I haven’t employed with the judge. Will see how this goes this week.